In a blink of an eye, I’m going to be graduating. Clemson really changed me a lot. I started off being an immature, naive and stupid teenager. I took everything for granted. Then I was lucky to have a great friend that looked over me and helped me mature a little. But then he left, I couldn’t depend on him anymore. I realized then that I was still immature, cause I depended on him for a lot of things. Then my sophomore year, I made the worst decision ever. By believing that I met my prince charming. Ha. He was a good and bad thing. Bad thing… cause I got hurt by him and I fell into depression. Good thing… cause I learned a lot from that. I grew up. I stopped being so naive and immature. I learned a life lesson through the hard path, but it was worth it. I finally learned to be happy just being myself. I learned to not be a pushover. I met friends that stayed with me throughout my difficult years of college, but I also loss friends that I treasured. It really doesn’t matter anymore. I will just view it as my mistake or that our friendship fate reached an end. I’m happy that I became a leader of a student organization. It really helped me to build up my confidence and to learn to face problems in more of an assertive way. I’m really happy with the experiences I had to go through my 4 years in college. 

But I’m sad to leave, cause the real world is scary and lonely. It means another journey I have to go through. Another journey where I have to once again start making new friends. I’m so tired of it. Cause… after elementary school, I had to go to a junior high from a complete different district; then after junior high, I moved to a different town to go to a different high school; then after high school, I went to college. I had to start anew over and over again. But at least I have some experience with that.

I’m happy to leave, because it’s time to move on and to keep on growing. I have goals I want to fulfill. I want a career. I want a life. I want to experience the world. I want a family…. in like maybe 5 years plus. I’m ready to set flight to start a new journey. I’m ready to fly again. 

(Source: kajabouvin)

(Source: charlottahagstrom)

I just don’t want to know anymore. Our society have screwed up everything. Our society expects us to live up to some expectations. To be this person that follows the norm. To tell lies to make them look better and to fit in. It’s pathetic. Pathetic that there are people that are willing to lie and change themselves just to fit in to what the society expects us to be. 

I’m just really tired and sad of all these lies. :( 

I hate this. I hate that I keep learning such dark secrets about people I thought I knew so well… I thought we were supposedly best friends, but then, I get so disappointed and upset when I find out some things that everyone else knows about, but me. As more days passes by… I feel like such an unlikable person. Maybe I am. And maybe that is why I like being by myself nowadays, so I don’t have to deal with lies and buillshit people tell me anymore. 

Shit, I feel the depression is getting to me again… 

I think I have gotten to that age where a lot of people are getting married, and a lot of my relatives are starting to pass away.

My aunt just passed away yesterday morning. I was told on Tuesday night that she was in critical condition and might not be able to survive the night, but she did. My parents were at the hospital the whole night and stayed until she passed away early morning of yesterday. When I heard about the news, I cried. Even though she may not have been that great of an aunt to me, but she is still my aunt. I have known her for my whole life and interacted with her multiple times a year. This is my first time that someone I actually really know well have passed away. And tomorrow will be the first funeral I ever attended. I’m worried that I will be a mess…

It sucks that this happened right before Chinese New Year. There’s really no mood to celebrate anything, because there is death in the family. It is just like last year… my grandfather from my mom’s side passed away during the start of Chinese New Year. My mom had to go back to Hong Kong last minute. It really sucks… that we have to start New Years like this for more than one time. :( 

I’m an emotional wreck at the moment, but I still have to attend classes and do homework. It really sucks.